Abandoned Codex

[Seph]

Tried to O.D. on the Cold-Eeze,
"Golden Girls" got me "Sweatin' To The Oldies",
Hanging out like Double Ds sip Long Island Iced Teas,
Wrote to Mayor McCheese "Send a Shamrock Shake please!",
Three O' Clock on the dot time to cruise for Eighth graders,
Rather tape the Weather Channel so that I can watch it later,
Reruns of Rerun so What's Happening?,
Dee's knocked up and Rog on crack again,
Deep throat a whole Nutty Buddy,
Make whoopie to a batch of Silly Putty,
Make a Spam and Colgate sandwich and ate it,
Go through "National Geographic" and draw panties on the natives,
So I like to dance naked in front of my pets,
But my cat was inattentive so I sent him U.P.S.,
Playin' spin the bottle with my mom,
I watch "Cops" with no pants on.

Must've blown a fuse nothing's going on,
Lamer than the Pope climb the walls like King Kong,
Buggin' out like Tori Spelling's eyes,
Deader than the parents on a Party of Five,
Luciano Pavarotti on a treadmill,
Not going nowhere slim chance we will,
Less hip than Bo Jackson bored like wood,
Dick around like Frankie Goes To Hollywood.

Relax don't do it when you wanna go to it,
Relax don't do it when you wanna cum,
Relax don't do it when you wanna go to it,
Relax don't do it when you wanna cum.

Nowhere to go I can't wake up late,
Just sit around and wait for my Old Spice to activate,
Stalemate jailbait in "My So-Called Life" imprisonment,
Amazing what a good breakfast pickles make isn't it?,
I like to pretend I'm speed reading,
Never lose the sight of the thrill of sneezing,
Don't need a shower today just some Brut by Faberge,
Smell the ass of my jeans clean they'll do another day,
And I recycle I sniff my own farts,
I dial the wrong number hope a conversation starts,
I mean I might as well be listenin' to Journey,
Givin' myself a mullet hook the Flowbee to the Kirby,
Make a prank call pretendin' I'm a mime,
Get stuck in traffic just to pass the time,
Sent a letter in the mail in Braille to Johnny Quest,
Send me back my Etch-A-Sketch.


-Mope
_________________
"Sleep well, sweet child... the lord holds thee now."

[Seph]

You came twice last year like a Sears catalog,
Cause your last boyfriend makes love like Boss Hogg,
Well now you're seeing me but soon I'll have you seeing God,
Cause girl I'll get you panting like you're Pavlov's dog,
Like a DC-10: guaranteed to go down,
But baby your black box is the one that I found,
I'll give you the gift that keeps on givin' it won't cost you any money,
Then she grabbed me by the ears and said kiss me where it smells funny.

So down I go like I'm 2000 Flushes,
I can tell I'm doing something right by the way that she blushes,
She's one that's speechless, I'm the one that's tongue tied,
She's thinking holy mackerel I'm thinking tuna on the side,
There must be something wrong with Al Pacino's nose,
Cause the scent of a woman is like rotten tomatoes,
Yeah I'm snorkeling for clams and it doesn't matter if I wanna be,
Don't come up for air until you kiss me where it smells funny.

Drop my face below her waist and stay on third base,
I can tell that the cherry's ripe by the way it tastes,
Yeah I could make a lot of wine with the yeast I find inside her panties,
And then drink it while eating out down at the Seafood Shanty,
Drop my face below her waist and stay on third base,
I can tell that the cherry's ripe by the way it tastes,
Yeah I could make a lot of wine with the yeast I find inside her panties,
And then drink it while eating out down at the Seafood Shanty.


-Kiss me where it smells funny
_________________
"Sleep well, sweet child... the lord holds thee now."

[Seph]

Do you still go to raves?,
Do you think that Christ saves?,
Do you spend your days in a Purple Haze?,
Do you contemplate what a grape nut is?,
Or could you live drinkin' your own whiz?,
Are you hooked on a feeling are you hooked on gin-n-tonics?,
Are you hooked on fistin are you hooked on phonics?,
Did you ever have sex with a box of Kleenex?,
Did you like the movie Malcolm X?,
Or do you own a record by Stryper?,
Do you have a mongoloid cousin wearin' diapers?,
Were you born and raised in New Jersey?,
Did you like the taste of Crystal Pepsi?,
Are you deaf?,
Well if you are you can't hear me,
But what's the use of living if your ear's be?,
Broken even if I spoke clearly,
You're still not able to hear me,
Cause life is a game that no one wins,
But you deserve a headstart the way your life's goin',
So throw in the towel cause your life ain't shit,
No take that towel and hang yourself with it,
Life's short and hard like a body-building elf,
So save the planet and kill yourself,
If you're feeling down-and-out with what your life's all about,
Lift your head up and blow your brains out,
Lift your head up high and blow your brains out,
Lift your head up high and blow your brains out,
Lift your head up high and blow your brains out.

Does your girlfriend look like the chick from M*A*S*H?,
Dead ringer for Klinger with a thicker mustache?,
When you're at a get-together does everybody always ask?,
Ain't no Halloween party why's she wearin' that mask?,
Does she got more Chins than the Chinese phone book?,
Would you rather make out with a rusty fish hook?,
Does she stick to linoleum when she squats?,
Does she look pregnant although she's not?,
Did you first see your boyfriend on Cops?,
Or at a Star Trek convention or on top?,
Of your best friend or maybe at Wendy's?,
Workin' third shift late New Years' Eve?,
Does he live under a bridge scare kids and kill squirrels?,
Does he do kegstands until he hurls?,
Could a blind man mistake his complexion for Braille,
Does he have time to sit around and wait for the mail,
Life is a game that no one wins,
But you deserve a headstart the way your life's goin',
So throw in the towel cause your life ain't shit,
No take that towel and hang yourself with it,
Life's short and hard like a body-building elf,
So save the planet and kill yourself,
If you're feeling down-and-out with what your life's all about,
Lift your head up and blow your brains out,
Lift your head up high and blow your brains out,
Lift your head up high and blow your brains out,
Lift your head up high and blow your brains out.

So take your life instead of taking it for granted,
I'm thinking you should can it I think I'll help you plan it,
Live today like it's gonna be your last,
Hang out blow your mind have yourself a gas,
I hope you take this the wrong way,
And misinterpret what I say,
Rewind and let me reverse,
Backwards like Judas Preist first did.

Cause life is a game that no one wins,
But you deserve a headstart the way your life's goin',
So throw in the towel cause your life ain't shit,
No take that towel and hang yourself with it,
Life's short and hard like a body-building elf,
So save the planet and kill yourself,
If you're feeling down-and-out with what your life's all about,
Lift your head up and blow your brains out,
Lift your head up high and blow your brains out,
Lift your head up high and blow your brains out,
Lift your head up high and blow your brains out.

-Lift your head up high (And blow your brains out)
_________________
"Sleep well, sweet child... the lord holds thee now."

[Seph]

If your ass is a Chinese restaurant I'll have the poo-poo platter
My friend Jerry Vandergrift kissed me in Home Ec. class
Later in the afternoon some jarheads in the locker room kicked my ass
I said guys I'm like you I like Monster Trucks too
Wanna see how many push-ups I can do?
I just wish I was queer so I could get chicks
Chicks dig guys that are
Queer guys that don't dig
Chicks that don't dig guys like me
See I'm not queer I'm too ugly
But if I were handsome just imagine how great it would be
Incognito as gay though but not actually that way though pseudo homo phony
Maybe it's a stupid theory or maybe just stupidity
But if I was a queerbee in the fashion industry
Scoring with a super model would be easy
Cause 'super model' means voluptuous but is also is synonomous with 'super dumb'
Ya see I'd be a good listener so she'd treat me like a sister and soon I'd become
That trusted friend that cares that rubs her back and braids her hair
No it wouldn't be a week before I'm in her underwear
I wish I was queer so I could get chicks
Chicks dig guys that are
Queer guys that don't dig
Chicks that don't dig guys like me
See I'm not queer I'm too ugly
Doesn't matter what I'm packin' in my denim it's what's in my genes
The only smoked meat the only sausage I would eat is made by Jimmy Dean
See I'm not to keen on the smell of Vaseline
No I'm not Princess Di and I don't wanna be a queen
I wish I was queer so I could get chicks

Anyway if I were gay I'd have to change my name to Dirk or Lewis
Hang out with my mom's hair stylist his name is Kip he's got a lisp he talks like this
And wear my mother's lingerie learn the songs of Broadway
And appreciate Depeche Mode and avant garde ballet
I wish I was queer so I could get chicks
Chicks dig guys that are
Queer guys that don't dig
Chicks dig guys that are
Queer guys that don't dig
Chicks dig guys that are
Queer guys that don't dig
Chicks that don't dig guys like me
See I'm not queer I'm too ugly
And I don't shave my heiny
Don't shave my heiny
See I'm not queer I'm too ugly

-I wish i was queer (So I could get chicks)
_________________
"Sleep well, sweet child... the lord holds thee now."

[Seph]

Dear Chasey Lain
I wrote to explain
I'm your biggest fan
I just wanted to ask
Could I eat your ass?
Write back as soon as you can

You've had a lotta dick
Had a lotta dick
I've had a lotta time
Had a lotta time
You've had a lotta dick Chasey
But you ain't had mine

Dear Chasey Lain
I wrote to complain
Ya never wrote me back
How could I ever eat
Your ass when ya treat
Your biggest fan like that?

You've had a lotta dick
Had a lotta dick
I've had a lotta time
Had a lotta time
You've had a lotta dick Chasey
But you ain't had mine

Dear Chasey Lain
I wrote to constrain
This letter is my last
As your biggest fan
I must demand
You let me eat your ass

You've had a lotta dick
Had a lotta dick
I've had a lotta time
Had a lotta time
You've had a lotta dick Chasey
But you ain't had mine

P.S.
Mom and Dad this is Chasey
Chasey this is my mom and dad
Now show 'em them titties
Now show 'em them titties
P.S.
Mom and Dad this is Chasey
Chasey this is my mom and dad
Now show 'em them titties
Now show 'em them titties

Would ya fuck me for blow?

-The ballad of Chasey Lain
_________________
"Sleep well, sweet child... the lord holds thee now."

[Seph]

I was lonelier than Kunta Kinte at a Merle Haggard concert
That night I strolled on into Uncle Limpy's Hump Palace lookin' for love.
It had been a while.
In fact, three hundred and sixty-five had come and went
since that midnight run haulin' hog to Shakey Town on I-10.
I had picked up this hitchhiker that was sweatin' gallons
through a pair of Daisy Duke cut-offs and one of those Fruit Of The Loom tank-tops.
Well, that night I lost myself to ruby red lips,
milky white skin and baby blue eyes.
Name was Russell.

Yes, a lap dance is so much better when the stripper is cryin'
Yes, a lap dance is so much better when the stripper is cryin'
Well I find it's quite a thrill
When she grinds me against her will
Yes a lap dance is so much better when the stripper is cryin'

Well, faster than you can say, "shallow grave",
this pretty little thing come up to me and starts kneadin' my balls
like hard-boiled eggs in a tube sock.
Said her name was Bambi and I said, "Well that's a coincidence darlin',
'cause I was just thinkin' about skinnin' you like a deer."
Well she smiled, had about as much teeth as a Jack-O-Lantern,
and I went on to tell her how I would wear her face like a mask
as I do my little kooky dance.
And then she told me to shush.
I guess she could sense my desperation.
'Course, it's hard to hide a hard-on when you're dressed like Minnie Pearl.

Yes, a lap dance is so much better when the stripper is cryin'
Yes, a lap dance is so much better when the stripper is cryin'
Well I find it's quite a thrill
When she grinds me against her will
Yes, a lap dance is so much better when the stripper is cryin'

So, Bambi's goin' on about how she can make all my fantasies come true.
So I says, "Even this one I have where Jesus Christ
is jackhammering Mickey Mouse in the doo-doo hole
with a lawn dart as Garth Brooks gives birth to something
resembling a cheddar cheese log with almonds on Santa Claus's tummy-tum?"
Well, ten beers, twenty minutes and thirty dollars later
I'm parkin' the beef bus in tuna town if you know what I mean.
Got to nail her back at her trailer.
Heh. That rhymes.
I have to admit it was even more of a turn-on
when I found out she was doin' me to buy baby formula.

Yes, a lap dance is so much better when the stripper is cryin'
Yes, a lap dance is so much better when the stripper is cryin'
Well I find it's quite a thrill
When she grinds me against her will
Yes, a lap dance is so much better when the stripper is cryin'

Day or so had passed when I popped the clutch,
gave the tranny a spin and slid on into
The Stinky Pinky Gulp N' Guzzle Big Rig Snooze-A-Stop.
There I was browsin' through the latest issue of "Throb",
when I saw Bambi starin' at me from the back of a milk carton.
Well, my heart just dropped.
So, I decided to do what any good Christian would.
You can not imagine how difficult it is to hold a half gallon of moo juice
and polish the one-eyed gopher when your doin' seventy-five
in an eighteen-wheeler.
I never thought missing children could be so sexy.
Did I say that out loud?

Yes, a lap dance is so much better when the stripper is cryin'
Yes, a lap dance is so much better when the stripper is cryin'
Well I find it's quite a thrill
When she grinds me against her will
Yes, a lap dance is so much better when the stripper is cryin'

-A lap dance is so much better when the stripper is cryin'
_________________
"Sleep well, sweet child... the lord holds thee now."

[Seph]

My last girlfriend didn't like me thought she might be,
Most likely a dyke she just didn't excite me,
Lefty? Yeah but that was alright,
She was hotter than the sun but she just wasn't that bright,
My mistake she was more flaky than a leper colony,
I think a wooden clothespin would have been much better company,
Ass like a donkey acting funky gave her "L" now she's a flunky,
So my love for her died quicker than a batch of Sea Monkeys,
Early bird gets the worm spread your legs or spread the word,
So what if I'm not the smartest peanut in the turd,
I'm white which goes with everything but I can come in any color,
And I'm looking for the kind of girl that reminds me of my mother,
But it's hard to find a girl with a viper tattooed on her tushy,
And how many girls do you know that can play the harmonica with their pussies?
Like em' easy and hot and sweet like a Rice Krispie Treat, gee,
You know what I really want in a girl? Me,

I need to find a new vagina,
Any kind of new vagina,
It's hard to rhyme a word like vagina,
Calvin Klein? Kind of North Carolina,

Women are like dog, doo, hear me through don't interrupt,
It's just the older that they are the easier they get to pick-up,
I'd fill the generation gap clean the cobwebs from her rafters,
Old hens would rather put out than be put out to the pasture,
No age just ain't a gauge I like my girls like my cheese,
Preferably for me fat-free American singles only,
I want my next chick anorexic, the winner is the thinner,
Won't have to take her skinny ass out to a fancy dinner,
Like Sizzler she got a beef we'll chew the fat,
If I forget to put the seat up I can put up with her crap,
Let her lash out and crack the whip but not in bed I don't play rough,
No I can't be tied down with a girl that wants me tied up,
Just independent like NOFX ,smart like Janeane Garafolo,
She'd use big words to make fun of me so that I would never know,
Bestow upon me all her wisdom of the Dewey Decimal System, gee,
You know what I really want in a girl? Me,

I need to find a new vagina,
Any kind of new vagina,
It's hard to rhyme a word like vagina,
Kevin Klein? Kind of South Carolina,
Vagina vagina vagina vagina,
Vagina vagina vagina vagina.

-Three point one four
_________________
"Sleep well, sweet child... the lord holds thee now."

[Vicks]

I hope you don't actually listen to them.
Man they're a shitty band. Tom Green
with Guitars. They all deserve death!

[Seph]

One fierce beer coaster is kinda a good album...
sorta...
on a crappy level...
still entertaining as all hell tho
_________________
"Sleep well, sweet child... the lord holds thee now."